Ever heard a guy say, “I’m not the marrying kind”? I know I sure have! So what does it mean if YOUR man says that to YOU? Let’s talk about what that little statement might mean in the big picture.
Ok, he says to you that he’s not the marrying type or he doesn’t believe in marriage.
1) First off, if he’s the type that straight-out says what he means, then you can take it at face-value that he does not see himself ever getting married.
No amount of pressure on him or clever ultimatums will change his mind. In fact, those tactics probably will cause him to end up resenting you.
Think about it… If there was something you absolutely did not want to do and someone close to you kept pressuring you to do it, how would YOU feel? Now, take it one step further, what if they said, “Do it or else!”.
You’d be history, wouldn’t you? Why would your man act any differently just because it’s something YOU want to do?
2) When he says, “I’m not the marrying type” he might really mean – “I’m not the type to marry YOU”.
I have known tons of guys (friends) throughout my life that get all “manly man” when talking about marriage and how they were NEVER getting married. Sure enough, years later… they’re married.
Some women just are ‘the one’ and cause major changes in attitude. Heck, these women know things about men that cause the men in their life to RUN to the jeweler to get that engagement ring.
If deep down you feel he is really telling you that he’s not the type to marry YOU, well, you have 2 choices….
1. Leave the relationship.
If marriage is a big deal for you, then not getting married should be a deal-breaker. The sooner you get away from someone who is not on the same page as you are, the closer you are to finding that person that IS on the same page.
In other words, stop wasting your time thinking he’ll change his mind and move on with your life.
2. Figure out how to BE the type he does want to marry.
This is a tricky one because it requires you to really understand how men tick when it comes to committed relationships. This is NOT about manipulation or ‘faking’ who you are – it IS about understanding how your man needs to be loved.
There are 3 or 4 things that a man really needs to FEEL in order to commit to a woman. Learn them and apply them. In the mean-time, take the pressure off of him about the marriage thing and let him come to his own decision about marriage and you.
3) He’s been burnt before.
This one is VERY probable. Your man might have had his heart trampled on before by a woman he really thought he could marry – and now he’s not just ‘gun-shy’, he absolutely refuses to be that vulnerable again.
And that’s exactly what it is – fear of vulnerability. If he says he IS the ‘marrying type’ or even hints at wanting to marry YOU someday, he is opening himself to that same hurt from his past.
Applying pressure will NOT work here so don’t even try it. An ultimatum will leave you single. You can not force another human being to be willing to be hurt again.
And remember, this has nothing to do with YOUR value to him so don’t try that “Well, if I was worth it, he’d be willing to be vulnerable for me!”
It’s not about you, but yes, it does affect you. He may work it out on his own over time, but it all depends on how “fresh” his wounds are. If that past relationship was years and years ago… he either is not getting over it any time soon or he clings to those wounds to protect him (ie, a subconscious excuse to not be in another committed relationship).
On the other hand, if he just came out of that past relationship, give him time to heal. We all need, and deserve, time to heal from heartbreak. If YOU love HIM, you’ll give him that time.
4) He thinks ALL marriages end in divorce
I can’t count how many times I’ve heard men say, “My parents split up when I was a kid. Marriage causes nothing but pain”.
Heck, I’ve felt that way myself quite a few times.
Yes, divorce is hardest on the kids. Odds are, most reading this are products of divorced parents. Why would we ever sign up to do that to our OWN kids, ya know? But we do…all the time.
As Dr Phil says, kids would rather be from a broken home than live IN a broken home. That statement saved me and helped me from both my hurt as a child… and the devastating hurt I felt from doing that TO my children. While divorce might hurt, it also could be the solution to preventing worse hurt down the road.
Again, this is not something you can ‘pressure’ him through. This is about talking and being a true friend to your man. Don’t try and rationalize with him – let his feelings be just that, his feelings. He isn’t wrong, he’s just hurt.
5) Deep down, he’s afraid he won’t be able to commit
We know men, monogamy is not natural for them. I’m not saying all men are cheaters because all men are NOT cheaters… but I do imagine it’s tough for them to go against their biological programming.
Here’s the thing tho – sure, there are some ‘dogs’ out there, but if you’re with a really good guy, he won’t marry you until he is sure deep inside that he is capable of committing to you completely and faithfully.
Men have been known to cheat at any age, but I’d bet it is most difficult for them to be faithful when they’re in their 20′s and everything physically is screaming at them.
Does this mean he WILL cheat on you? No, of course not – I don’t think this is his way of saying that he IS going to cheat on you. I think it means he does actually believe in marriage, but he knows he’s not ready for it NOW.
Learn more about why some men can’t commit in this post.
6) He’s already married – to his job
Both men and women can be very career-driven and it’s really hard to bring another full-time and committed relationship into your life when you’re already married full-time PLUS over time to a job.
Career-driven people are committed to their jobs….and their personal relationships are for their free time. Sad, but true. If he says he’s not the marrying type and he IS career-driven, well, guess what? He is actually telling you that he is already married and he won’t marry you too.
All in all, regardless of what a man feels when he says “I’m not the marrying type”, all he hears and thinks is just that – HE is not the marrying kind of guy – even if we know there’s more to it than that.